- Hello, gorgeous! - Thank you.
Not you! Me. This.
My new title and my new office.
It's perfect. Except for one unsightly little...
Marc. Marc!
(SHRIEKS)
MARC: Sorry. I will get used to my new glass door.
Welcome home, boys!
Marc, I'm really proud of your promotion
and I'm really excited that we get to share an office,
but since it is a professional space,
we could try and keep the space professional.
Sure, I'll get rid of the Titans of Sport
as soon as you take down your ethnic bric-a-brac.
And while we're at it,
please refrain from carrying on in your overly exuberant Latina ways.
Marc, I do not carry on in an overly exuberant...
(EX CLAIMS)
Oh, my God! (SCREAMS) I won a Blobby!
(WHOOPING)
What happened? Are you okay?
No. I'm sharing an office with a chunky, cheering Charo!
I won a Blobby!
That's great! A Blobby!
What is a Blobby?
I don't know!
It's a Black and Latina Organization of Bloggers,
and they would like to award Betty Suarez
for the best new blog!
I didn't even know anyone knew about my blog!
Congratulations. That is amazing.
Did anybody hear that I'm a junior fashion editor?
This is crazy. They want to send someone over to interview me today,
and I have to find my own person
to present me with the award at the ceremony.
Will you do it?
You want me to?
Who else would I want more?
No, I'd love to. I mean, this is huge.
Well, I don't know if it's huge.
It's being held at "the place near Wendy's that has the cupcakes."
I'm guessing it's a little low-rent.
Who cares? An award is an award and you deserve it. Your blog is terrific.
Really? You read it?
Not yet. I have it bookmarked and I'm really psyched to get around to it.
Well, please do it quick, because the sooner you do,
it'll put me that much closer to hitting my 75 readers mark.
Well, it is only the beginning.
I know you don't have a very large readership,
but pretty soon people will be stopping you on the street.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I love you.
It's you! I love your show. I love when you're all, "Marc!"
What the hell are you talking about?
Wow, you're always on, huh? Genius!
It's not fair. You, Betty.
Everyone who was ever Daniel's assistant got promoted but me.
I want to get promoted. I'm sick of being a receptionist,
always being at everyone's Beck and Victoria.
Well, Daniel needs someone.
Why don't you ask him for that job again? Maybe you'll be next.
Mandy, it's so good.
It's like I'm finally my own man around here. It's really liberating.
WILHELMINA: Marc!
Got to go.
What could that simpering fool have been talking about?
I have no idea... Oh!
What is it?
"Mean queens of fashion in New York City's finest drag bar.
"Double bill featuring Manna Wintour and Wilheldiva Hater"?
That is so... Offensive.
I will not be mocked by some low-rent drag queen. It's insulting.
It's inexcusable.
It's delicious. What's that web address?
Yeah, I'll write it down...
Don't even bother.
I'll have my lawyers draw up a cease and desist order immediately.
As if I didn't have enough queens to shut down right here at Mode.
- Congratulations, Betty. - Thank you.
You must be so excited to be honored by the Big Lesbian Order of Bloggers.
Amanda, I already told you. That's not what BLOB stands for.
It stands for Big Lumpy Obese Bloggers.
Those slams might hurt if they were coming from award winners.
DANIEL: Everyone, let's get started.
You're running this? Fun.
It'll be like watching a five-year-old pretend to drive the car.
Thank you, Willie, for that resounding vote of bitchiness,
but I am nonetheless very excited to announce
that I've landed us an exclusive fashion shoot and interview
with Diego Martinez and Victoria Velez.
(EX CLAIMING)
I have to deal with that all day.
BETTY: I love them!
I've seen every single one of his movies.
From Dawn of Shame, where Victoria plays a disgraced prostitute,
to Tides of Regret, where she plays a disgraced traffic cop.
Must she get so worked up?
And overseeing the fashion shoot
is our newest junior fashion editor, Marc St. James.
(EX CLAIMING)
And covering the interview component...
Please be me. Please be me.
Is this a creative meeting or The Price Is Right?
Actually, I was planning on doing it myself.
Well, by "it," do you mean the interview or Victoria Velez?
No, Willie. I assure you my interest in the interview is purely professional.
And how many Diego Martinez movies have you actually seen?
You know what? It would be fun for us to do it together, Betty.
Yes! I'm so excited. I have so many questions.
I'm gonna start by re-watching all of their movies.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, Betty. There's plenty of time.
I don't know, Daniel.
Should she slow down or you speed up?
I mean, I would hate to see the assistant exceed the master.
Who am I kidding? I'd love to see that.
Hey! Guess what? I found the perfect new assistant for you. Me.
Wouldn't that be weird, now that we're fun buddies again?
Ooh, fun buddy.
There are cameras everywhere.
Hey. Look, Daniel, I know you. If you hire some new hottie,
you're gonna spend half your day wondering, "Will we sleep together?
"When will we sleep together? Will she get all crazy or will it be casual?"
With me, you already know we're sleeping together,
I am all crazy, and it's casual! Total timesaver.
I guess I can't argue with that.
Um... But I will need you to find a new receptionist.
(SHRIEKING)
Thank you, Daniel! Thank you, thank you!
(WOMAN SHRIEKING)
Lots of shrieking today.
(SHRIEKING)
Wow. You're excited.
It's just 'cause, like, I'm the biggest Bettyhead out there.
- "Bettyhead"? - It's what we call the core 22 of us.
We should get started, 'cause if I'm not back to work in 20 minutes,
I'm so fired.
Yeah, okay. Fine. Do I have anything in my teeth?
No. Okay.
So,
the tone of your blog is normally really positive,
but what I think your readers really want to know is,
who are you dying to bitch out?
What? No. No. No one.
I know a lot of people use their blogs as a place to vent petty frustrations, but...
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- I mean, that's cool, too. - Hey. How's it going in here?
Hey, Daniel. This is Wendy.
Wendy, this is Daniel Meade, editor-in-chief of Mode magazine.
He's also going to present me with my award.
Oh.
That's cool.
But just so you know,
the Blobbies are about celebrating minority writers in new media,
not celebrity presenters.
Okay. That sounds like a fun night.
I should probably get going.
No, wait. Daniel, why don't you stay? Hang out. I could use your help.
Wendy wants something dishy, and I think I'm disappointing her.
Oh, my God, never. A little.
Well, good luck getting any dish out of our resident Pollyanna, here.
Has she always been this way?
God, no. She was way worse.
You know, the first day, she showed up in this insane poncho.
And her hair... Do you remember that? It was crazy, right?
Yeah. Crazy.
And...
So there's this glass window.
I mean, no one thought she would last the day.
Seriously, if you had told me three years later she'd be an editor,
I would have laughed you out of the room.
Our Betty, she's really come a long way.
- Thanks, Daniel. - But to me,
she'll always be my sweet little assistant.
Always on hand to get me my bagel. Could you hand me the water?
Okay, that's all we have time for.
So, how was that?
Perfect.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Marc?
What are you doing here?
I couldn't allow this affront to your dignity go on uninvestigated.
Marc! I found us a table!
(GASPS)
You and Claire?
We found a common interest.
All right, y'all! It is show time!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Ladies and lady-like gentlemen, boys and boy-girls,
without further ado, and because we lose the place at 10:00,
(ALL CHUCKLING)
I present to you the Queen of Mean,
who always serves her cruelty ŕ la mode.
Wilheldiva Hater!
Good evening. Is it Fashion Week already?
Because I've never seen such weak fashion.
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
Now, who here's from Jersey?
Good, you're learning.
Who here's wearing jersey?
(GASPS) Oh.
I've never seen such gorgeous leather.
But enough about your face.
Finally, some decent material.
It's hardly a skilled impression, though. She sounds nothing like me.
Marc!
Congratulations! Blobby winner!
- Hilda, you scared me! Champagne? - Yeah.
Oh! Thank you.
I'm sorry, Hilda. I wish I was a little bit more in the mood to celebrate,
but this really weird thing happened with Daniel today at work.
He became a woman, like his brother?
No, not that weird.
This woman came from the Blobbies to interview me,
and he sat in, you know, to tell funny stories about me or whatever.
And all he could talk about was how I never fit in when I first got there,
how badly I dressed, how I was his good little assistant.
Well, all of those things are kind of true.
Yeah, but my readers don't know that.
I mean, maybe it's just 22 girls reading aloud to their cats,
but they think of me as this put-together, polished professional,
and now that's ruined.
You think Daniel was trying to make you look bad?
Because I don't think he would do that.
I guess he is giving me the opportunity to interview two of my idols tomorrow.
Yeah, you know, he probably didn't even know what he was saying.
Maybe you're just being a little sensitive.
Mmm.
You're probably right. All right, cheers.
To the Blobbies!
Blobbies!
That's cheap.
(SINGING POP SONG)
- So, what did you think? - (GROANS)
Wilhelmina! Oh, my God, you came!
I can't believe it! I love you!
What did you think of the show?
I adored it.
Do it one more time, and I will sue your fake ass off.
Marc!
Hey, Amanda, will you hold all my calls?
Diego and Victoria are gonna be here in 42 minutes,
and I need every last second to prepare for the interview.
Okay, calm down, Betty.
Good things come to those who weigh less.
Besides, I'm officially Daniel's assistant now.
So if you need anyone to not take your messages,
you'll have to talk to my replacement.
- (GASPING) Helen! - Helen?
- Okay, who wants to party? - Me, me! I want to party!
Hey, you look good, too! Did you get dermabrasion?
No, I'm just wearing pants today.
(MOUTHING) Wasn't she fired?
What is that? What is the little lady doing?
Oh, um... No, that's just Betty.
She's always forgetting the English word for things.
Right, the cleaning lady.
Sí.
Gesundheit.
Did you guys widen those elevators
or did that stupid doctor pull my eyes too tight?
(LAUGHS)
Don't laugh. It'll happen to you.
And so, Diego, Victoria, since your relationship as director and actress
is all about working in harmony together,
I thought, what better theme
for our photo shoot than symbiosis!
(MARC CLEARS THROAT)
I see you as the anemone and you as the clownfish,
harmoniously intertwined,
offering each other the sustenance and protection needed
to survive in this harsh creative climate.
Plus, your body is gonna look smoking hot in this dress.
The idea is odd. The clothes are strange.
- I love it. - Great.
I am so excited. I spent all night
reviewing every interview they've given in the last five years,
because I want to make sure that we don't come away
with the same old stuff, you know?
I spent most of my prep time doing pull-ups.
Well, Victoria's intimidating. Her body in Nights of Torment? Insane.
What about her monologue?
When she breaks down and she admits
that she's the one who killed the other nun.
(EX CLAIMS) Broke my heart.
Yeah, I watched her nude scenes on YouTube.
And here come our own anemone and clownfish! Daniel and Betty.
Hi! I'm Betty. It's so nice to meet you. I'm your biggest fan.
Hi. Daniel Meade. I've really been looking forward to this interview.
Then why is she the only one who looks prepared?
Betty, thank you so much for holding that for me.
Okay!
Why don't we get started? You two can go change.
And you two, change.
Can I really get away with this?
Of course you can.
I mean, you're the woman who made a nun's habit look sexy.
You saw Nights of Torment?
I loved every single minute.
(INAUDIBLE)
MARC: Perfect! That's great. I think we have all we need.
Thank you so much!
That was amazing.
You ready to knock out the interview? I have a million questions.
Betty, I am editor-in-chief.
Why don't you let me take the lead on this?
So, I have a million questions for you.
Well, if you have a million questions,
then you probably don't need this, right?
Well, I have a question, too.
Is that really your folder or were you just trying to impress me?
Well, he was definitely trying to do that. This is my research.
All he did to prepare for the meeting were pull-ups?
Is that true?
- Not... - Yes.
But, I mean, he's so much better than when I first got to Mode.
You don't even want to know how he used to prepare for meetings.
- Betty. - Really?
Well, it was only because you looked so incredible in Nights of Torment.
It's four and a half hours.
You really make it through the whole thing?
Well, not...
Well, he made it through the nude scenes.
He's a big fan of the nude scenes. Huh?
DANIEL: Thank you so much.
- What was that? - What?
What? You embarrassed me in front of Victoria!
Come on, Daniel. I was just teasing.
I mean, it's not like I said anything worse
than any of the things you said about me yesterday.
You said them to a major international film star
who might go blabbing them all over Cannes next year.
I said mine on a tiny website to a band of 20 cat-loving weirdos.
It's a little different, don't you think?
I'm mad because you totally hit on that guy I was trying to stalk.
Why does your face look familiar?
Well, it shouldn't. I had it totally redone since the last time I was here.
Here's the name of that place where I got my jacket.
Why would I care where you got your jacket?
Because you asked.
Please, Ms. Slater, don't shut down my show.
It's my only livelihood and I can't afford a lawsuit.
Or a decent dress, it seems. Now get out. Rayon hurts my eyes.
Hey, Willie.
Callie from Long Lash is coming tomorrow.
She wants to do a breast cancer fund-raising tie-in with us.
Look, I know. The only thing you hate more than corporate altruism
is drugstore makeup, but she really wants to meet you.
Fine.
Thank you.
By the way, you look nice. I like you in white.
Thank you.
Wait. Come back tomorrow.
Since you're no longer performing, I may have a new job for you.
Mandy, what were you thinking, bringing her back here?
That giant girl is a giant mess.
Marc, I couldn't help it.
She's like my Ghost of Lonely Christmas Future.
Besides, she's changed. She has totally gotten it together.
Hold magazine, please mode.
- You're absolutely right. - Yeah.
- Hi, sweetie! - Hey!
Thanks for hooking me up with this job!
You know, I've had some hard times in my life,
but last week when I hit the big 3-0, everything started to come together.
And then you hooking me up with this job?
It's like the cherry on top of the pill bottle.
I'm so glad.
I need a Town Car.
Don't we all, honey.
- Your friend seems happy here. - Doesn't she?
Fire her immediately.
(GASPS)
And that is enough of that.
But I still feel bad.
Weird. I got this mass e-mail from Claire Meade
inviting me to a drag show.
Better steer clear, papi.
We know what happens when you get around drag queens.
Hey, I was not fooled.
It was Betty's party, I was just trying to be polite.
- (LAUGHING) Okay. - It's not funny!
God, Daniel was so mean to me today.
Do you know what he called my Bettyheads?
He said they were a tiny band of cat-loving weirdos.
That's kind of what you called them yourself.
Made me so mad. But you know what?
I'm gonna go into work tomorrow
and I'm gonna tell him exactly how he made me feel.
Mi hija, I would not be mad at Daniel.
As close as you are, you still work for him.
If you want to say something, say it to your family. Not your boss.
FIONA: "Dear Betty, I love your blog.
"You're always so positive and inspiring.
"Doesn't anything ever get you mad? Fiona 21. "
BETTY: You know what, Fiona? Yes, sometimes something does.
I know I don't usually use this space to vent,
but since there are only a handful of you out there, what the hell?
Heck.
Hell.
Today a really good friend was insensitive.
Well, I thought he was a friend. He humiliated me.
He was being a total jerk.
Downright cruel to me.
And after I've spent the past three years making him look good,
trashes me, my blog, and all of you. That jerk has everything.
Why would he put down the one thing that's mine?
Why is she still here? Didn't Willie tell you to fire her?
She did. And I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, Marc.
This job means so much to her.
- Oh. Really? - Yeah.
What does your job mean to you?
If Willie comes in here and sees her hastily stitched together head
sitting behind that desk,
Helen's not the only one who's gonna be out of a job.
Who? Who else? Bring it. What did you hear?
Just fire her. You have no choice.
Hey, Amanda, could you help me with something on the computer?
Um...
Sure.
I'll do it later!
Hi, foxy.
Betty Suarez.
Mi hija, have you checked your blog today?
No. I just got in.
(EX CLAIMS) Five hundred hits! Look at all these comments!
Yeah, they're all about how your jackass friend is really Daniel Meade.
Oh, my God.
And it's linked to, like, 100 websites. How did this happen?
Why did you write about that? I told you not to.
I know, papi, I know. What do I do?
All right, just calm down. Is there any chance Daniel hasn't seen it?
I don't know. He doesn't even read my blog,
and he's not usually that into the web, so maybe he didn't.
So, any time your name appears in the media,
you'll hear a little bing and receive a Google alert.
Cool.
(RAPID BINGING)
Nope, he definitely saw it.
Betty, what were you thinking, posting a rant like that about me?
It was thoughtless and inappropriate and just stupid.
You know whenever the media sees my name it's a feeding frenzy.
I didn't even use your name, Daniel. Someone else figured it out.
Well, you didn't make it hard.
Oh, my God! The new proofs just came in, and...
Hi. Awkward.
(SIGHS)
Look, Daniel, I'm sorry. But this is all gonna blow over fast.
You've had way worse written about you.
About how you were a womanizer...
Yeah, but when they call me a womanizer at least it sounds sexy.
You just made me sound like a jerk.
Daniel, Suzuki, TMZ, and something called The New York Times
are all on the line for you. What should I do?
DANIEL: I'll deal with it.
Thanks a lot, Betty.
- Hey. - Oh.
I was just practicing my moves. There's a contest.
Can I talk to you?
Oh, my God. You know I lied.
Okay, look, things haven't been going so great for me lately.
The truth is,
my mom kicked me out, I've been living under a turntable at Butter,
my new eyes stink.
I can only see out of the left corner of the right eye, and I'm not 30.
(GASPS)
I'm 31!
I just didn't want to tell you, 'cause I didn't want you to feel bad for me.
That's not what you wanted to talk to me about, is it?
What is it?
It's okay.
I just wanted to tell you that...
You got promoted to...
Overseer of the Closet? That sounds major.
So major.
Which is why I need you to always be in here,
and never be seen anywhere else in the office.
Okay.
Okay. So, your first assignment is...
To read this,
cover to cover.
Yet another incentive to get my eyes redone.
Okay.
Hi, everybody.
Ms. Slater, I didn't expect you to be
such a strong supporter of breast cancer awareness.
We girls have to stick together.
Now, I must be going, so ta-ta. Or should I say, "ta-tas"?
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my.
That will bring the house down at my office. Thanks again.
Safe travels.
Nicely done.
At 3:00, you'll be giving an empowering speech to that girl's troop,
another legion of fools I'd rather not suffer.
Wow, you're meaner than any version of you I could ever do.
Well, I could make an effort to be liked,
but I'd rather be hated than inconvenienced.
However, if you stick around and shave again, seems I could have it all.
No, no, no, Perez, listen to me. Look...
Hey.
Look, I know I can't take back what I did, but I wrote a retraction, and...
Really? Does it include an explanation as to why you did all this?
Because that's the one part I really don't get, Betty.
Look, I know you're mad and I'm sorry.
But there's a reason that I did it.
You really hurt my feelings.
Your feelings? Betty, this isn't about your feelings.
This is about you doing serious damage to my reputation
as the head of Meade Publications!
I know you think you and your award are the center of the universe,
but you have to wake up. It's not a big deal.
Forget it. Forget my retraction, forget my apology,
forget I ever asked you to present the award.
Because if that's how you feel, I really don't want you there anyway.
Fine, that's the last place I'd ever want to be.
Betty, you're blowing up! It's awesome!
With all this extra press, the Blobbies are gonna be huge!
And we have the greatest thing planned.
- When Daniel gets on stage... - Daniel's not coming.
But he has to.
We planned a protest.
When Daniel gets up to present the award,
we're gonna pelt him with pairs of red glasses and burritos.
I know it sounds a little bit offensive,
but only the Latinas will throw the burritos,
so it's totally PC.
Daniel's not coming. I'll find someone else to present the award.
Really? You can find another celebrity at the last minute?
Well, I don't know about that.
But you said the Blobbies weren't about celebrities.
Yeah, but I just said that to sound cool when I thought we had one.
We need a celebrity, Betty. Isn't there somebody you can get?
(SCOFFS)
AMANDA: Mode magazine, please hold. Mode... No, you hold!
Okay, sorry. Hi. Daniel, sorry.
Okay, I'm coming right now. Okay.
Mandy, why did I just see Helen in the Closet,
reading a four-year-old Marie Claire
and wiping Cheeto dust off of her fingers with a vintage Prada shift?
Marc, I tried to fire her, but I couldn't. And I knew if Willie saw her...
What happens when she asks about a paycheck?
I give her Meade money.
Mandy, a fake job and a fake paycheck aren't helping Helen any.
And trust me, no good ever came from keeping someone in the closet.
Okay, you just got really deep.
I know. And now I have a headache.
It's Willie. Look busy.
WILHELDIVA HATER: I had such a good time with you girls.
Next time we'll make macadamia nut brownies.
Nice seeing you, girls.
Bye, Wilhelmina!
That was nice, watching me bring a smile to all those little faces.
(EX CLAIMS)
Damn my cha-cha heel.
Maybe J-Lo is good...
Ask Wilhelmina. She'd be perfect.
No, Wendy, wait! I can't ask her. She doesn't do anything for anybody.
We can at least ask.
She's gonna crush you!
Ms. Slater?
What is it, Betty?
I'm not Betty.
Of course you aren't. What is it?
My organization, BLOB, is honoring Betty with a Blobby Award tonight
and it would mean so much to us if you would present it to her.
I'd be delighted.
- Really? - I wouldn't miss it for the world!
See? I told you! Thank you! She's really nice.
Why would you agree to that?
Because it's more fun to watch you do it for me.
Tonight? I can't.
Why not? I pay you.
And you don't have a show to perform anymore, do you?
So I don't have a super-secret job?
And these...
The supermarket won't take these Daniel Dollars?
I'm so sorry, Helen.
It's okay. You've been a good friend, Amanda.
And sleeping at Butter isn't so bad.
Sometimes DJ Omar puts a pillow out for me.
Is it just me or does a cold gust of wind actually pick up when you approach?
Hey, what are you still doing here?
You're gonna be late for Betty's big fat Mexican award show.
I'm not going.
Why, because Betty didn't want you?
No, because I don't want to be there. Not after she humiliated me.
Only after you humiliated her.
Amanda, I wasn't trying to humiliate her.
Besides, it doesn't matter. I'm her boss.
It isn't her place to challenge my behavior.
Oh, my God, Daniel, you sound like such a douche.
Okay, I'm not saying that as your employee,
I'm saying it as your fun buddy.
And I'm also gonna say that I think you were trying to humiliate Betty,
because you're threatened by her success.
- I'm threatened by Betty? - Yeah.
That's crazy. I'm the editor-in-chief of a major...
God.
See? I can be very perceptive sometimes.
- Call me a car. - Sure. Where you going?
WILHELDIVA HATER: Thank you so much for inviting me here.
It's an honor and a pleasure to be with you all tonight,
in celebration of this little lady right here.
I love Betty Suarez.
Who the hell is that?
I don't know, but if you don't talk to Grandpa,
she's gonna be your new step mom.
WILHELDIVA HATER: Because we're all people, aren't we?
I give up. I don't care anymore.
This thing has turned into such a train wreck.
She thinks it's a train wreck?
We're the ones who bought all these burritos for nothing.
I don't even think that's Wilhelmina Slater.
Shut up, Dawn.
Which is why I'm thrilled to be presenting her with this award tonight.
Excuse me, I think I'm supposed to be presenting this award.
WOMAN 1: Oh, my God, it's Daniel.
- Yes! - WOMAN 2: He actually showed up.
Go for it, honey. I have a show to go to.
She runs a magazine, does a show, and still has time to look like that?
(EX CLAIMING IN SPANISH)
Don't stress-eat those burritos just yet, you guys. It's about to get really fun.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Hey. - Hey.
- How'd it go? - Well, the bad news is,
she was crushed.
The good news is, we've got a new roomie!
Hi, doll.
I can't wait to spoon with you tonight.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not kidding. Is that apricot?
It's...
I've got to pee.
Good evening.
(ALL BOOING)
Jerk!
I always say, never follow a drag act.
I almost didn't come here tonight.
- We don't want you! - Yeah, get out of here.
Because the woman I'm about to introduce to you,
I respect and admire and adore,
also happens to intimidate the hell out of me.
This may come as a surprise to her,
but it shouldn't have come as a surprise to me.
(SIGHS)
Betty Suarez has done more in three and a half years
than I've done in my entire life,
which is why I couldn't help but feel a little threatened.
Betty is a force of nature. A positive one, like sunshine,
but a force nonetheless.
I think we're all very lucky to have her shining on us.
Okay, that hurt.
Quiet, lady. No one talks over Manna Wintour.
Now, in my fabulous documentary, September Issue...
That's right, you bitches better have seen it.
André Leon Talley calls me the biggest woman in fashion.
Obviously, he's taken himself out of the running.
I am sick of your excuses, Wilheldiva.
If you're not here now, don't bother coming in at all.
I'll be there in a second.
Give me that phone.
Whoa!
That was fast.
Thank you. Good night!
All right!
What are you doing? I told you never to perform your show again!
Ms. Slater?
I was only gonna do it one more time.
Please, this is my life.
What do I care about your life?
Wilheldiva Hater!
(ALL CHEERING)
Enough with you!
Get that thing off me! Get it off!
What's going on? Is this part of the show?
There is no show, honey. I'm no drag queen.
CLAIRE: Then why can I see your package from here?
Shut up, Claire.
- We want a show! - Yeah!
- What? - Move it, buddy!
- Get off me! - Go!
Marc!
MAN: Damn, that girl lost weight!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hell.
- So... - WOMAN: Go home, loser!
It is my great pleasure to present this award to Betty Suarez.
Yeah, Betty!
(ALL CHEERING)
(SINGING POP SONG)
(GROWLS)
Thank you, Daniel.
And thank you to everyone at the Black and Latina Organization of Bloggers.
Latina? I thought the L stood for "lesbian."
That's what I thought.
As proud as I am to be here today, I just want to say that
we're not here celebrating me tonight, as much as we're here celebrating
what blogs can do.
Sure, they can be used to thoughtlessly attack people
from a seemingly safe vantage point,
which is very regrettable.
But they can also make it possible for someone who has something to say,
but doesn't have a TV station or a major magazine,
to still make their voice be heard.
And I think that's really important.
Even if it is just 71 people listening.
Actually, it's 72. I read it. It's really good.
Let her talk, jerk!
Please don't be mad at Daniel.
All he did in his interview was remind me of who I used to be.
And that was really embarrassing.
But now I realize that I have to love that girl that I was,
because she made me who I am now.
That's why none of you should be ashamed of who you are.
Because the misfits and the weirdos of today
are the world-changers of tomorrow!
- Who says we're weirdos? - FIONA: Yeah!
That's not what I meant.
Homophobe! Get her!
- I didn't... - Betty! Get down!
(ALL YELLING)
(SINGING ROMANTIC SONG)
(INAUDIBLE)
She's magnificent!
Seems a little off to me.
Really?
I just came by to say thank you. I've been getting calls all day,
saying that I gave the performance of a lifetime.
Oh.
Is that so?
Apparently, I got off stage,
demanded and got a raise,
two additional nights per week, and top billing.
Well, you're a very talented performer. And a shrewd negotiator.
But why?
- I thought you didn't want... - Go ahead and do your little show.
On one condition,
that you let me give you a new wardrobe.
Wilheldiva Hater would never be performing in tatty knockoffs.
I can live with that.
And,
I may take one of those nights, now and then.
- Like her good side and her evil side. - She played twin nuns?
- Yeah. - Hey. Finished up the interview.
Oh, I thought we were doing that together.
Yeah, well, you inspired me to take my game up a notch.
Besides, I thought you might be able to edit it,
since you are the editor-in-chief of an award-winning blog.
I'm gonna go, and let you two make love, or whatever it is you do.
It's great. I'm sure it's perfect.
Really?
I would make a few changes.
- Of course you would. - But not a lot.
Just a few things, like you sort of overwrote the intro.
- Is this gonna take a while? - No. It's gonna be very quick.
Just small changes. Like, I don't think you need...
(INDISTINCT)